I have not been on here in months. The reason is simple. Fighting for your childs life is all consumming. I, in many ways live my life in a constant state of war. I have declared war on the eating disorder and when one decides to take on such a monumentous task it can take over. I am beyond depressed and have found myself at times almost unable to get out of bed. I am exhausted and there truly is no end in sight. I realized that I have not laughed, truly laughed in years. Each day is a varied shade of grey as this illness has washed all the color out of my life. I miss who I used to be before all of this began. I don't recognized the old woman that stares back at me from the mirror.
I can't blame all of this on the illness part of my sorrow is from my own personal loss. Two years ago this March I had my right hip replaced. After a life of surgeries to correct the mistakes of those charged with the task of helping me into this world I finally lost the battle. I had been in constant pain for two years and had been falling with increasing frequency. My own doctor approached my concerns with a dismissive attitude deeming my reaction to the falls as not intense enough to warrent concern. He said that I was incorrect in my belief that my hip was dislocating. It was only months later at the ER of a local hospital that an x-ray was looked at and an ashen faced ER doctor told me that I was in horrible shape and that there was little left og my hip socket. The fact that I was still walking at all was viewed as nothing less than miraculous by the doctor who helped me.
Within two months and just one month shy of my 40th birthday my hip was replaced. I was told that there were no promises given that I would be able to walk but that without the surgery a wheelchair was in my immediate future.
I can walk. There are days that are better than others but the pain is always there. I am never completly free of it and there are times like right now when bed is the only safe harbour. I just returned from vacation with the family and was told that they talked about me. They kept discussing the amount of time I spent in bed. This hurt me deeply. It is such an easy thing to judge another person when you have never walked in their shoes. What was viewed as lack of interest in others was actually the result of pain and deep saddness. When you are surrounded by healthy children in a healthy body and possess a healthy bank account it is such a simple thing to find joy in life. It is much harder to find that same joy with none of the things that make life a blessing.
Every day begins with pain meds that dull my intellect and my moods and then is puntuated with more pain meds and anti-depressants. I can no longer achieve a level of activity that allows for optimal health. I miss hiking and walking. I loved to dance and I can no longer express myself through motion and as I no longer fit I feel tired all the time. In spite of all of these facts I still find blessings in my life. My children, my husband, my little yorkie (a gift from my oldest daughter) my friends who stand my me even when I am not actively i their lives and most of all that my baby girl is still alive and that the ED has not yet taken her from me.
To be judged by those without daily pain and struggle is an insult that is added to all of the injury. My husband doesnt understand. This past week I had to hear all the wrong things being said to my daughter and most would be triggering to a "healthy" young woman. I had no right to speak all I could do was comfort my child and remind her that those who were thoughtless were too stupid to know better and that if they were critical of her that they were without sense. My comments I knew would only create more stress in an already intensley stressful time for her.
I will keep trying every day to do my best to be a good mother, wife, friend and person. I just pray that I can keep going becaue there truly are days when it gets just so damned hard.
