I have not been on here in months. The reason is simple. Fighting for your childs life is all consumming. I, in many ways live my life in a constant state of war. I have declared war on the eating disorder and when one decides to take on such a monumentous task it can take over. I am beyond depressed and have found myself at times almost unable to get out of bed. I am exhausted and there truly is no end in sight. I realized that I have not laughed, truly laughed in years. Each day is a varied shade of grey as this illness has washed all the color out of my life. I miss who I used to be before all of this began. I don't recognized the old woman that stares back at me from the mirror.
I can't blame all of this on the illness part of my sorrow is from my own personal loss. Two years ago this March I had my right hip replaced. After a life of surgeries to correct the mistakes of those charged with the task of helping me into this world I finally lost the battle. I had been in constant pain for two years and had been falling with increasing frequency. My own doctor approached my concerns with a dismissive attitude deeming my reaction to the falls as not intense enough to warrent concern. He said that I was incorrect in my belief that my hip was dislocating. It was only months later at the ER of a local hospital that an x-ray was looked at and an ashen faced ER doctor told me that I was in horrible shape and that there was little left og my hip socket. The fact that I was still walking at all was viewed as nothing less than miraculous by the doctor who helped me.
Within two months and just one month shy of my 40th birthday my hip was replaced. I was told that there were no promises given that I would be able to walk but that without the surgery a wheelchair was in my immediate future.
I can walk. There are days that are better than others but the pain is always there. I am never completly free of it and there are times like right now when bed is the only safe harbour. I just returned from vacation with the family and was told that they talked about me. They kept discussing the amount of time I spent in bed. This hurt me deeply. It is such an easy thing to judge another person when you have never walked in their shoes. What was viewed as lack of interest in others was actually the result of pain and deep saddness. When you are surrounded by healthy children in a healthy body and possess a healthy bank account it is such a simple thing to find joy in life. It is much harder to find that same joy with none of the things that make life a blessing.
Every day begins with pain meds that dull my intellect and my moods and then is puntuated with more pain meds and anti-depressants. I can no longer achieve a level of activity that allows for optimal health. I miss hiking and walking. I loved to dance and I can no longer express myself through motion and as I no longer fit I feel tired all the time. In spite of all of these facts I still find blessings in my life. My children, my husband, my little yorkie (a gift from my oldest daughter) my friends who stand my me even when I am not actively i their lives and most of all that my baby girl is still alive and that the ED has not yet taken her from me.
To be judged by those without daily pain and struggle is an insult that is added to all of the injury. My husband doesnt understand. This past week I had to hear all the wrong things being said to my daughter and most would be triggering to a "healthy" young woman. I had no right to speak all I could do was comfort my child and remind her that those who were thoughtless were too stupid to know better and that if they were critical of her that they were without sense. My comments I knew would only create more stress in an already intensley stressful time for her.
I will keep trying every day to do my best to be a good mother, wife, friend and person. I just pray that I can keep going becaue there truly are days when it gets just so damned hard.
I am back from dropping her off. The center is beautiful. It is in the most amazing location and the beauty of the surrounding landscape is breathtaking. The staff that I met were wonderful. They were so kind and it's obvious that they care about the girls they help.
I sat through over an hour and a half at a table with 8 people all asking questions about her, the eating disorder, our family and our history. It is so hard to recant all of the details. I am sure that the dates that events took place are wrong as I have been so consumed with the task of fighting the ED that I have not taken the time to think about the dates. I actually was so overwrought that I forgot what year it is!!! I thought it was 2009 but in reality it's not that hard to understand when I realize that 2010 has been one of the cruelest years I have ever endured. I felt so stupid though. It was a terrible experience. I of course have been beating myself up since she got sick for every thing that I ever did or didn't do as a mother.
I had to answer questions about her boyfriend whom I dont like. He is self centered and lashes out when his feelings are brushed up against. He puts women down and talks about how they are bad drivers, not as smart, not as capable etc.. I told him flat out that I dont respect him and that he doesnt deserve my daughter. Yah I know harsh but I have watched him be mean to her for over two years and after talking to him kindly about it one say I just snapped. He says he wants my respect and I told him then earn it. I can be a real hard assed bitch when it comes to protecting her. My friends knickname for me is Mama Bear. Maybe I will learn that's not healthy. I dont know.
What can I say it's hard to answer questions when you havent slept well or had a day off in over a year.
I came back to the hotel after my 10 min goodbye. I only saw her for 10 mins after we walked through the door. That was hard. I started crying as soon as I pulled out of the driveway. It was a struggle to keep it together so that I wasnt an accident looking for a place to happen. I got back to the room without her and cried myself to sleep. Christ I am still crying and its been 12 hours. I am sure that it will get easier. It better. I picture her there and it feels so well wrong... she should be home in her bed not surrounded by strangers. I worry that she is hurting and home sick that she is crying and I cant be there to comfort her. I have always been there for her.
Now its time to be there for her by letting her go.
Well thanks to WiFi I have net access here at the hotel. Utah is AMAZING!!!! I am in awe of the beauty of this state. We drove from Salt Lake city today and driving through the mountains I couldnt help but feel incredibly small. The people are very friendly and I love it here. I really feel like this is the right place for my girl.
We left home at 5 am Oct 13th heading by car to buffalo. Arrived at the airport with time to spare and boarded the plane to las vegas. Had to laugh as the first thing we saw when we got into the terminal were slot machines. Had a 2 and a half hour lay over and then boarded the next plane to salt lake city. Got into logan at around 7 utah time or 9 pm ontario time. I slept a total of 20 mins from 10:30 Oct 12th to 12am Oct 14th and here I am awake 4 hours later. I am pretty wound up thinking about dropping her off tomorrow. Almost two years so far in my mission to help my daughter recover from anorexia and tomorrow just may be the start of the end of her illness. I know that even once she is home there will still be a long road ahead of us but hopefully she will be stronger and capable of battling this with success.
She is sleeping in the bed next to me and I cant even let myself think about how much I am going to miss her. Despite the stress of the last two days we have had so much fun together. We travel well together and have enjoyed our trip. We bought matching Las Vegas hoodies and she got to buy a couple of yoga pants and a tee shirt at Pink. We were thrilled to get a really good deal here. The price of clothing here in the states is great! We went to an amazing restaurant last night and had one of the best meals of our lives.
Our hotel is stunningly beautiful. The room/suite is so elegant and the beds are so comfy. I could stay here forever butwill be leaving early friday morning.
I am so curious to see Avalon Hills. I am sure that it will be a lovely place as the website makes it look very inviting.
Well I am pretty burned out but wanted to add a quick update. I will add more after I get back from Avalon.
By some miracle we have a place at Avalon Hills. I found out this afternoon at 1:30. Today has been CRAZY. I had to pack ALL of her clothes and items. Hubby went to Wal-Mart to get items that we didnt have but that were on the "what to pack" list and get meds refilled. I am still doing laundry as I write this at 11:33 despite having to be in the car and on our way to buffalo at 5am. Yep thats right we are leaving tomorrow!!!
My sister in law GOD BLESS HER, booked and PAID for the flight down. You have no idea how wonderful that was and my house has been FULL of relatives saying goodbye and helping me pack and iron on labels into all of her clothes. I am exhausted and the traveling hasnt even begun.
I havent even started to let in sink in that my baby girl will be gone for so long. I am so hopeful tho that this will be the beginning of a new life for her. I have started to make her a quilt and was hoping to have it ready on the day that we left but I have been at hospital almost the entire week. I guess it will have to be a nice surprise to send down to her.
Thank you to the amazing people that have helped me through this part of the healing journey with her. I will be back on Friday and will tell you all about my whirlwind trip. Send your prayers and well wishes.
So there is a slim chance that she may be able to go to Avalon Hills. Her therapist called today and talked to them. He let them know that unless they have a spot available by the end of the week that we will have to send her to Renfrew. She cant wait much longer. She is fine with going to Renfrew and at this point I just need to get her out of the hospital. I have made it very clear that we either have a commitment today from Avalon or we will be doing the paperwork to have her go to Renfrew ASAP.
She is getting worse the longer she is in hospital and I cant let that continue. I know that Avalon is VERY interested in getting her down there and I love the people that I have talked to on the phone. They are so kind. I hope to get good news but am prepared for bad news. Either way I know that she will get the care that she needs and deserves.
I also know that I am getting so damned exhausted and am afraid that I will run out of fuel. I have been on 24 hours a day for over a year and even the clinic doesnt know how I keep the pace up. Once she is in a safe place I think I will sleep for a week. I came home last night from the hospital and slept for 13 hours. I had been there for over 2 days as on the weekend they have even less staff than on weekdays when they dont have enough to begin with.
I think I am going to take another snooze before I head back in an hour and a half.